Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
