I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Let's paint friendship bongs
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
