Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I need a beard to bite.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
