So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
