rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
My life is pants optional.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
