I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
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