This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
