If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
