i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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