I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
You dont lie about slip and slides
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
