i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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