I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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