I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
