No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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