you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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