I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
