who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
