I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
