matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
