I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
