I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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