someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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