I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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