Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
