My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
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