I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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