i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
