hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
