i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
