Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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