im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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