I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
