I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
