Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
