Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
