I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
