Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
