I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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