Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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