why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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