True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
