i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Randomize
