wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
