also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
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As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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