I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
