I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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