You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I just threw up on my dentist
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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