pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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