if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
