Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
