Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Who died my cat blue again?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
