I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
