What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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