you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
