Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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