Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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