Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
